Riddles in the dark

Ok, so have you ever seen a movie where a character suddenly has an epiphany -- where what was pointedly obvious to the audience, suddenly slips into place in the character's mind? I have. I also used to sit and wonder how things that, objectively, were so readily apparent, could elude a seemingly intelligent person for so long. Well folks, queue my trip to North Carolina...

First, a little background information [that I'm not afraid to admit]:
1) Traditionally, I have not been the most financially responsible person. In fact, I would describe myself as extremely irresponsible with money. I would go in-depth about this issue and it's various incarnations, root-reasons, and what not, but suffice it to say that I was lazy and immature. Margaret and I have had multiple conversations about becoming/ being financially responsible for my sake, as well as the sake of having a healthy relationship together. (Duh, right?). While I completely and totally understood these conversations at the time (and whole-heartedly agreed with them), I'm not sure that the issue really *clicked* for me. That isn't to say that I was lying when I said I would BE financially responsible, or that I didn't logically understand the rationale behind our talks. No, I'd compare it more to staring at one of the "magic-eye" posters. You know the ones - where you stare at the picture long enough, and upon going slightly cross-eyed, see a "hidden" image in otherwise colorful abstract vomit. (Great mental image, no?). Someone can TELL you what the image is, sure -- and you may even see it when the person points it out. But having someone tell you is NOT the same as discovering the image on your own.

2) Growing up in North Carolina would not have been my first choice, if as a two year-old both my opinion on the matter was asked, and that I could intelligently respond. I felt, up until the day I left, that I never really *belonged* in Greensboro (or North Carolina for that matter). I love my family and friends, but it's hard to put how I felt/ feel into words. Those of you that have experienced the inward tug toward some other place will understand; those of you have not, won't.

3) At various points throughout the last year, Margaret has turned to me and asked why exactly I love her.

Is that it? Yes. I think so. Maybe not. I don't know. If I've left out any background information that will help I'm sure you can connect the dots (or it simply isn't as important to the story as you may think). Ok... so... my epiphany in North Carolina.

It was probably 10pm, when I was driving back from Rob's apartment downtown. I was cutting through UNCG's campus on Spring Garden, sifting through a host of conversations Margaret and I had had over the last few months, when several things simultaneously fell into place in my mind, and they occurred in this order:
1) More than ever, I feel that North Carolina is/was not where I was supposed to be. I can't tell you where I'm supposed to be geographically, but it is not in North Carolina. Knowing where things are, how the city is laid out, and having friends close at-hand are all bonuses, but do not, ultimately, make up for not feeling like you fit the culture/ mold of an area.
2) I want to be financially responsible for myself first and foremost. Not because I want nice *things* (though that's an obvious bonus down-the-road), but rather because I know what I want in life. I want a car that is paid for. I want a home. I want to eliminate any/ all outstanding credit card debt. And I want to be the rock my partner can rely on, not an anchor weighing her down. (I truly wish I could express this part of my revelation more clearly, because I know I'm failing miserably but I hope you get the jist).
3) and 4) I had been wondering WHY this trip seemed so off-kilter since the moment I landed, and it comes down to one thing; Margaret is not with me. While I was driving through campus, I realized that this trip has been empty because I haven't been able to look over at her and smile. I haven't been able to share any of my thoughts or the nostalgia of being back in the place we met. I realized that when I left Campbell, CA I left a piece of my heart as well. I could and have listed a host of reasons why I love Margaret, but like so many other things in life, I was over-complicating. I love Margaret not because I can't live without her. I love her because when I am alone, I catch myself looking for her. I think about things and turn to tell her something (only to realize she isn't there). I love her because I want experiences in life to begin with "we" not "I". I love her because when she isn't around my world is somehow less bright.

My mini-revelations may make me seem silly, cliche, or incredibly retarded (in the case of finances -- no offense intended by using the word), but I'm okay with that. Tomorrow? Back to Campbell, CA and my Margaret. (She'll like the "my Margaret" part). Adieu!